i'm not lying now,

QUICK LIFE UPDATE

Tue, 21 Apr 2009 07:34:16 GMT

So Ben and I are going to have a travel blog with pictures + travel VLOGS on it.
I think this idea is almost as exciting as actually going traveling!

In other news, I HATE NURSING SCHOOL. Fuck everyone and their need for me to APA format 40 slides of powerpoint because they don't have a handle on English. Fuck the 4 major exams I have coming up in the next 2 weeks that I've barely had time to study for. Fuck getting my period in the middle of the shift where I happen to be charge nurse.

BUT THIS MAKES IT OKAY! Today was the last day of my Sunday-Monday clinical rotation and my professor gave me an awesome final evaluation and told me I was a great nurse though I have to work on not getting too stressed out when the floor gets crazy/everyone wants something/tries to die at the same time. :) Yay for validation that I am doing something right & good with my life!

I miss you bebes. See you...Friday, I think?

whiny & sick

Sun, 09 Mar 2008 18:06:51 GMT

I miss my boyfriend and wish I didn't have to go to school this week.

.

Sun, 11 Nov 2007 08:29:57 GMT

I go to school, I study hard, I let myself laugh with my friends, I make grand, vague plans for my future--I do everything a normal person should do.

...so why do I still feel like such a fucking head case at the end of every day?

attn: debbie downers

Fri, 19 Oct 2007 23:13:18 GMT

Remember--there's always a chance that things might get back to good & "normal" someday, eventually. Don't let 2007 kick your ass.

:]

Thu, 20 Sep 2007 17:40:35 GMT

It's not even close to Thanksgiving yet, but I'm so so so glad that we always have each other to come home to when things are really fucking shitty.

so i was talking to alicia and we decided...

Mon, 17 Sep 2007 19:58:43 GMT

If you are not in possession of amazing LJ-entry writing skills and/or an undisputed master of the written word please GTFO.

Kthanxbye. :)

hold my hand and have no fear.

Thu, 13 Sep 2007 12:21:30 GMT

God, this has been the worst fucking week. FUCK YOU, LEUKEMIA. FUCK YOU SO HARD.

I can't focus on anything else, I don't want to be here while he's there, and I just want to drop everything and go and be there with him every minute of every day until he beats this. But I can't.

I'm trying to throw myself into school and work and researching, hoping that keeping busy will distract me and exhaust me to the point where I'm forced to function properly, but it has yet to start working. It probably doesn't help that I'm still processing everything and waiting for it all to sink in. Even now, a week after finding out, I don't feel as if I've truly been able to realize the full weight of the situation and everything it means right now and everything it might mean in the future.

Class has been a strange affair, to say the least. Everyone keeps on shooting me these sympathetic looks, keeps walking on eggshells around me as if the slightest misstep will send me into a crying fit (something that's happened in the last few days, I'll admit), keeps on wanting to give me random hugs, keeps on asking me if I'm okay. I know everyone means well, but when I'm not thinking as clearly as I am (or think I am) right now, I just get so pissed off. It pisses me off because they shouldn't be worrying about me when Kevin's the one that's sick and lying in a hospital bed and being poked and prodded and scanned and God knows what else all day long. It pisses me off even more that sometimes they're right to be concerned, that sometimes I do feel like I'm going to start sobbing at the drop of a hat, that sometimes I'm not okay. But what pisses me off the most is how weak I am, how weak I've been when I'm supposed to be here being strong for him. (Hmm. The first stage of grief is anger, isn't it?)

I spent a lot of time in my head this weekend, sitting in the sterile silence of Kevin's hospital room for hours on end. Of course, I prayed. I thought about what this cancer meant for us, as well as for the other people in his life that love him just as much as I do. I tried to wrap my head around how this could have happened, how it could possibly be fair that he be chosen to have this disease when he had never done anything to deserve it. I had a million questions flying through my head, but none of my answers fit. Nothing made sense. Things still don't make sense.

The last night he was in the hospital (Sunday), I just remember sitting next to him on his bed, holding his hand, watching him while he slept and selfishly wishing to myself that the morning wouldn't come because I knew that it would mean that he'd have to leave me. Jeez, I'm such a winner, huh? UGH. Plain and simple, this fucking sucks and I hate it. I wish I were there instead.

belated "stop asking me for a summary of washington!" post.

Tue, 04 Sep 2007 03:52:57 GMT

In case you didn't like the super-grainy Facebook albums/wanna look at all my photos in WAY better quality:

FLICKR! (<---click ze link)

So I've been back for about three weeks now and so much has changed already—1) I'm black again AND NO ONE WILL MARRY ME, lol, 2) My little Rol is gone, 3) Everyone is/was heartbroken in some way (BUT IT WILL BE OKAYS BECAUSE WE HAVE EACH OTHERS YO!), and 4) Alicia is the skinniest beeyotch of us all again, to name a few things—but I'll try to do some digging and pull up all of my good memories for you. I'll even do this homework assignment style and separate it into sections, add relevant visual aids, and formulate nice paragraphs and everything, since school starts tomorrow and I really should start getting back into the habit of things. Aren't I lovely? :)

O L Y M P I A

I was expecting to be kinda grossed out and made uncomfortable by visiting a place that's supposed to be swarming with hippies, but I thought it was THE cutest place in the world. Honestly, Max's neighborhood looks like someone ate Easter and springtime and a few fields of beautiful assorted flowers and threw up all over everything...in a good way. Pastels, lovely fresh air, pretty gardens, squirrels(!), nature galore, and a charmingly quirky downtown pretty harbor opening up into the Puget Sound = lots of relaxing, "I'd like to write stories about all these people!" type fun/adventuring.

Max's house, the aptly-named Custard Casa, is just as adorable as he said it was. It still kind of freaks me out to think that they didn't ever lock their doors (though I TOTALLY made sure to lock them whenever I happened to be home alone for some reason), but I guess I understand. It's a really low-key area and I guess if there isn't any real crime to lock your door against, you just...don't? I mean, a gathering of police cars around the local Sally's fabric supply shop caused a stir! Obviously they don't get a lot of action out there.

Hmm, what else... Bandit, Max's whippet, is an anorexic sweetheart who likes to lick your face and rub himself all up in your personal space when you are sitting/walking/sleeping in your bed/trying to live your life/etc. (but I have to say that I still love Aziza better because I am loyal, dammit!). The living situation was like a weird sitcom which probably would have been titled "A lot of tall white people a brown Asian", but everyone was cool—(I met Sarah, Erin, Chris, and Kari)—and witty and much fun was had with the help of dice, cards, replaying JoJo and Amy Winehouse over the wireless speakers 24/7, and frequent trips out and about to eat too much food. Especially Thai food. Mmm, Thai food... I am in love with Thai food now.

On the last (or was it second to last?) day that I was there in Olympia, Max took me down to the Evergreen campus so I could sit in on his morning French class and explore the campus. Not gonna lie, the dorms were kinda ghetto-looking. But aside from that, it was a really nice, clean campus. Architecture-wise and vibe-wise, it reminded me a lot of this university that we visited last summer in Austria whose name I can't remember right now for the life of me. And I got to see Max's metal work projects in the school's underground dungeon/studio—heavy stuff (literally...I couldn't even carry this one piece that he showed me).

The only things that remotely bothered me about Olympia were how everyone referred to it as "Oly" (the equivalent of calling Waikiki "Waikz", eww) and the ridiculous amount of spiders there were EVERYWHERE. But basically, it was lots of fun and now Max can't say anything about me never visiting his ass ever. So HA, in your eye and you guys missed out if you didn't come.

D E S M O I N E S / S E A T T L E

When the idea of hopping over the Pacific to hang out in Washington for a while was first conceived, it was just to visit Max. Then Susan wanted to come and we turned it into the BFFLs-visiting-Max-in-Olympia adventure. Then Max and Susan wanted to go to Canada too and it became the Olympia Canada adventure. Then I said I wanted to actually get to explore Seattle and it became the Seattle-then-Olympia-then-Canada adventure. Then Diane at Borders was a big bitch and Susan was kaputz, BFFL explorations of Seattle were dunzo, and Canada was 'x'-ed out of the plans because I was tired of planning this shit already, not to mention that I didn't want to sit in a car for hours on end and didn't want to go without my Korean. But then somehow one thing led to another and it was OH HERRO I'LL BE STAYING WITH KEVIN'S FAMILY NOW EEE. What—I mean...what? Yeah, that was me too, pretty much. Well, maybe it didn't happen exactly like that but who knows what all that planning business was about anymore, man. Anyway, on with my tales...

No, wait. If I'm going to be completely honest here, I have to say before anything else that I was kindasorta scared out of my mind about meeting Kevin's family. It wasn't that I doubted that they were going to be super cool people or anything like that, but being Filipino myself I know all too well how things work. First off, families are really really close and every person you meet equals another potential opinion of you ~~and if they don't like you they will cut you~~. Then you take that and factor in the knowledge that every one of these opinions count. Then you have to make sure to remember that these opinions might be stealth opinions and get ready to analyze subtle reactions and comments and facial expressions (much like a ninja would). Finally, you take all of that and put it together with the well-known tendencies I have to worry about things that shouldn't be worried about, to overanalyze things, and to go a little crazy under pressure (understatement!) and then maybe you'll kinda understand it. I know, I know...it's not like we're slated to get married and have a million babies together tomorrow or anything like that, but I still want to be liked & approved of by the people he cares about most in the world, you know? I mean, it was really important to me that my family like Kevin when they first met him, and when they did I was glad and I felt validated somehow, knowing that on some level the people who know me best trusted my skills in evaluating someone's character and choosing to be with someone who doesn't suck. But that is not what this entry is about so I will digress.

Kevin's house didn't have a funky name like "The Custard Casa", but it was still cool (and had blue shutters!) and the people inside were really nice so that didn't even matter. I don't know...the time I spent with Kevin and his fam is kind of all one big jumble really, so it's hard to pick where to start. Honestly, I don't think there was a single hour of any day where I really got the chance to sit down and reflect with myself where I was half, just a few minutes here and there at odd times (laying in bed in the morning in that half-asleep stupor, washing my hair in the shower, climbing under the covers while completely exhausted, etc.)...you get the idea. I think that might've been part of the reason for (or maybe the result of?) everything seeming so surreal for the first day or so. Because, you know, it was a trip (no pun intended, ha). We're usually supposed to be separated by miles and miles of ocean when school's not in session and suddenly we're snacking on pandesals together in his kitchen...? I even remember asking him, "Is it weird having me here?" the first afternoon I was there. (And he said yes and understood what I meant without having to have me really explain myself so I know it wasn't just me being crazy.) It was a good weird, though, for me at least.

So we did the obligatory touristy things like the Space Needle, Pike Place Market, the waterfront, etc.—more or less all the major things in the Guide to Seattle that Linda insist I borrow...and that I purposely left at home, haha—as well as spending time with his family. I'm trying to look for ways to describe things without sounding cliche or cheesy or trite, but I'm really at a loss right now. And I'm not the queen of perfectly-worded LJ entries either, i.e. Susan or Alicia. So I'll just give in and say that it was great and lovely and I'm glad that I went. Seattle is a beautiful city that I'd love to explore further one, given the chance and more time. The quirky artsy-ness found in everything, the strange-yet-somehow-it-works setup of metropolitan life in the midst of all that nature, and the complete absence of mokes and all things moke-tastic (arguably the best part!). And it didn't hurt that I had someone I love being around with me the whole time. :)

So anyway, as I mentioned before, Kevin's family turned out to be great too. They were all extremely nice, and just being able to see him interact with them and getting a sense of the roles they all play in his life was a valuable experience. I could see the unmistakable closeness there, and being close to my family myself, I feel like I gained a new kind of understanding of who he is that could have never have been adequately explained through simple words. I just hope they liked me. After she bugged me for all the details of my trip, Linda said that I should have asked Kevin what they all thought of me, but I think I'm still afraid to know. I guess for now I'll just interpret the fact that I haven't heard anything negative (so far) as a good enough indication that I'm in the clear.

The only thumbs-down thing about Seattle is that I didn't get a chance to pick out a cool new snowglobe for my collection. :(

In conclusion, it was an awesome 10 days and a successful Summer Adventure #2. If this entry got too sappy or reflective for you, too bad, so sad, I don't care. I'm happy with my experience.

P.S. I am now 20 (as of yesterday!) and Max is home in a few days. Yay life.

time for you and time for me, and time yet for a hundred indecisions.

Sat, 28 Jul 2007 12:43:29 GMT

Since it's been about a month, and since everyone else (even Max?!) has gone and updated, I am back with more blah-blah-ing for you all, so don't act like you're not excited.

Ahem. I have no idea why I'm awake so late, but let's proceed anyhow.

So...these next two weeks are going to be ridiculous. But I know you guys have already heard me stress and whine about everything, so I'll just omit that and just sum this bit up with some Cliff's Jocelyn's Notes:

1) Mami leaving for Japan on Tuesday night = SAD SAD SAD, as she is one of my favorite people in the world and I'm going to miss her a lot.
2) I'm leaving for Washington on Wednesday night = COOL COOL COOL, as this means adventures with Max/Kevin/(&possibly!)Kyle, freedom from the island for 10 days, and another set of sunrises & sunsets to appreciate. Excited x 10!
3) School's coming...soon = LAME LAME LAME.

Well, Las Vegas turned out to be a lot more fun than I expected. After all the craziness that came with getting ready for Caroline's big party, I was kind of dreading the idea of even more togetherness with my family when Sunday morning came rolling around. But things turned out okay, I ate my body weight in buffet food (and gained 4 lbs, wtf), and by Thursday morning I felt closer to my sisters than I have really in a long time. And Caroline didn't even try pulling that "I'm pushing you away purposely so I don't miss you as much when I'm gone!" crap that she's been trying out for the last month or so. So ha, I win. Seriously though, fun times, although I apparently am a skeezy dude magnet(?). What the heck? Isn't being with your family supposed to deter that shit? Another fun fact: The general consensus in my family is that I look half Mexican-half Thai. Whaa? Oh crazy family, how I love you.

Reading through some old LJ entries this afternoon kinda blew my mind, last summer was SO different. I was flying off to Austria, Alicia was flying off to South America, we still hung out with Emma, I was finally starting to really grow into my own skin, and by summer's end I had fallen in love with all of my friends (some for a second time). At the time, it seemed like just any old summer, but I realize now that I'll probably never be as completely open and optimistic and freely-giving of myself as I was a year ago because of everything that's come to pass since then. And while there's nothing wrong with that, acknowledging the fact that all of us are hardly as wide-eyed and naive as we were then leaves a strange, unsettled feeling in my chest—as though I've lost something but not quite. Relationship dynamics have shifted, outlooks have changed with newly-acquired wisdoms, and the love between everyone feels just a little more complicated, not to mention the fact that it seems like everyone and their grandmother seems to be LEAVING ME SOMEHOW. Ack. I know that that's life, but I just can't help but marvel at what a difference a year makes.

I was planning on writing more, but that last paragraph doesn't even seem to make much sense right now.

In closing, can all of you please leave me drunk voicemails every chance you get? Alicia's are always comedic gold (and I'm listening to one right now!), and I'm fairly certain that the rest of you have the same potentials for hilarity. Forrealz. You're supposed to think about the super!cool people that you wish were there, aren't you? So if you're not thinking of me, wtf guys, just wtf.

Yeah...it's definitely time for me to go to bed.

just a little bit longer

Tue, 19 Jun 2007 09:43:31 GMT

Just a few things:

- Chillin' in your house in your underwear is the teh winz. (No pants > pants.)
- This weekend will probably be teh lose, as finals are next week. :(
- I finally get to breathe after next Friday! :)
- I want Kuru Kuru Sushi ALL THE DAMN TIME.
- I've got a craving for a good sunset and will make a point to fulfill this soon. (!!!)
- Looks like straight A's this summer (hopefully!). :) :) :)
- I feel different and I don't know what to make of it just yet.

Okay, study time! Bye!

P.S. Random thought of the day: I am so glad my parents are pretty much internet-retarded and therefore can never be secret readers.

look at me, look at me, i'm a biiiiig bitch!

Thu, 07 Jun 2007 10:43:15 GMT

Sometimes I can't stand my family and their ridiculous double standards.
BE UNDERSTANDING! BE UNDERSTANDING! BE UNDERSTANDING!
I hear it about a million times a day, in regards to anything that I might fault someone else for.

Somebody being a little kid about something?
"Mark isn't as mature as you are."
Someone being a huge fucking bitch for no good reason?
"Caroline's just scared about college and she doesn't know how to deal with it."
Somebody getting friendly with your personal belongings when you've told them a thousand times not to?
"C'mon, Liz is your little sister."

I fucking hate it. I'm just tired of being understanding and taking everything in stride and trying to be the better person all the time. I don't care if I'm "more level-headed", "more self-sufficient", more ANYTHING--it's just bullshit that I have to sit here and try to accommodate everyone and their fucking moods and feelings and just force myself to accept that it's "just how they are", no questions asked. No one let's ME use that excuse. Why is it that I'm the only one who's never able to use that bullshit cop-out?

Fuck this, man.

it's as simple as the stars in the sky, and the blue in the sea.

Tue, 05 Jun 2007 09:11:51 GMT

Overall a good day, just a lame start.

A ginormous cockroach climbing under my door and up onto the wall next to my head at 2 AM pretty much ruined my sleep last night. Even though I'd done a terrific job of smashing its guts out, and even though I was dead tired, for the rest of the night I just kinda lay there in that half-awake state of paranoia in my extremely warm bed. Not satisfying. And to top it off, my neighbor on the street below (with the annoying boy who plays drums ALL THE LIVELONG DAY!) is getting his roof redone, so I was greeted with the lovely repetitive sound of a nail gun at 9 in the morning.

Didn't have class 'til 5 though, and that's always awesome. (Oh, and I kicked ass at class discussion today. I was on fiyaaaaaa. Just call me Imperialism Expert already. Ha, kidding. I'm just feeling very proud of myself.) :)

Basically, today consisted of a lot of thinking, planning, sporadic studying, eating ice cream, and sitting around the house without pants on. And over the course of the 4-5 hours I spent doing these things before getting ready for class, I realized that:

1) Max is coming home on June 14th for a couple of days between regular term & his summer classes. (Exciting!)
2) I need to get started on writing my final paper for my Abnormal Psychology class, since the first draft is due in two weeks.
3) This summer is going by much too quickly.
4) The time between now and Vegas/Washington adventures is not going by quickly enough.
5) I AM HALFWAY THROUGH COLLEGE and in 5 years (or less!), I'll probably be a million miles away from who/what/where I am right this very moment. And hopefully that will be a good thing.

As happy as I am with things right now, and as much as I hate sounding like a broken record, I just can't seem to put the ever-present uncertainties and questions about my life and my future out of my head. And it's not a complaint, it's just something that is. Things like...how do you know what you're truly-100%-without-a-doubt meant for? When do you know? Is there a big moment of clarity that we're all waiting for, or does the realization come slowly and quietly, with you finally figuring out that the answers were there inside of you all along years later? And don't get me started on how I think about change and whether or not it's insane to want to be able to depend on certain things. You know how they say that guys think about sex every 6 seconds? Well, that's what I think about instead. But I guess for now I'll focus on other things. You know, getting through nursing school, picking a city, and moving away. The "more urgent" stuff.

IVE's supposed to go to China next summer. I'm not exactly wetting myself in anticipation. I'm not even completely certain that I can go (or that I'll be in IVE during the Spring semester), because of nursing classes & starting clinicals & all that. I know it won't be the same as Austria, because put simply, Austria was *~magic~*--the perfect time, the perfect group of people, the perfect trip. But there's still a big part of me that really wants to go, as a kind of last hurrah before my school life turns completely serious and all the people I love in the group are gone/graduated. A lot of really mixed feelings there, but I'm bonded and I'm emotionally invested and I'm past the point of being able to say "Screw everyone already." because it's so much more than black and white.

But I'll tackle all that another day. Right now is good. Summer's been good.

Sleeping early tonight. Just writing off another headache.

64312709 parts happy, 1 part debbie downer.

Mon, 28 May 2007 08:57:12 GMT

God, I'm so much happier than I was a few weeks ago.

SO. After that hellish pre-finals/finals week period, I no longer feel like I'm going to die from the stress of school and school-related life. The pressure's finally off (even if only for a few months), I've got a long break IVE bullshit/drama/obligations, and I've got summer traveling to look forward to. AND, judging from the last two weeks of summer classes, I've lucked out with some awesome (read: EASY EASY EASY) teachers for the term, so I don't think this summer'll be so terrible after all.

In fact, so far, this summer's been awesome.
Why, you ask? Getting lots and lots of lovely sleep that I've been missing out on for MONTHS, finally having the time to sit down and talk to people about what's important and exorcise a lot of shit that'd been killing me out of my system, and being able to see my friends and Kevin and my family for more than 5 seconds in settings that don't include me doing/complaining about/thinking about homework/snapping like a crabby bitch/stupid small talk that doesn't go anywhere. Fun fun fun. I'm getting spoiled by all the free time and the fun, like I always do when there's a long break from school and responsibility. :)

But I can't help but wonder if being so happy right now is a foreshadowing of some sort, of shitty times ahead that will somehow balance things out, or something equal to that. Seriously, where does this pessimism & paranoia come from? Stupid, stupid, stupid, Jocelyn. You're just being stupid. Don't let irrational fear spoil the good in your life. ENJOY THE NOW!

Okay, that's it. Nothing profound for you guys today. I's just happy.

(Oh, and P.S. - Susan, Max, can you please come home now and make my life complete?)

planes, traveling & being cutes? oh yeah!

Fri, 04 May 2007 08:13:33 GMT

Say hello! to newly-confirmed summer traveling adventure #2:

August 1-11, 2007: Jocelyn's in Washington!
(There was supposed to be a picture of Olympia too, but apparently there are no non-ugly pictures on Google. Go figure.)

Tonight has been exceedingly awesome because:

I finally booked my ticket to Seattle, and I am SO EFFING EXCITED to go and see Max. (Puppy! Assorted adventures! A possible IVE reunion! A break from the monotony of this island and being the dutiful Filipino daughter! What's not to like?)
I've finished all the work/shit/things I told myself I would do and can relax for the rest of the night (and it's not even 10 o'clock!).
I started to do some laundry and by the end of the night, all my favorite clothes that I haven't had time to wash will be clean clean clean.
We have Coke & fries in the house and I have already gotten started on consuming all of it.

The rest of this week, however, has not been/will not be so awesome because:

It's the week before finals.
I've been busy busy busy all week (and last week too!).
Splitting headaches & not enough sleep. Maybe because I don't get enough sleep, but who knows.
I really miss my Kevin, because singing on opposite sides of a room for class, hurried goodbyes (if we're lucky!) & then running off to work/study/whatever ≠ spending time with each other.
I still have class tomorrow (and studying/work to do afterwards). And a concert. Blech.
Study groups ALL WEEKEND, meaning I will only be leaving my house to say hi to Jesus and be ugly in my sweats in a Starbucks for hours on end.

Okay, I'm done. Shower time!

mmm, what your name is?

Sat, 28 Apr 2007 01:28:38 GMT

So I thought we could take a break from all the Debbie Downer/evaluating the direction of my life posts and talk about sexy people.

Meet my new girlcrush, girl #1/Neyo's video girlfriend/Hottie McHotterson in the not-even-a-dress! dress. YOW-effing-ZUH, ow ow ow. Chicka chicka bow bow.

P.S. The other chick is totally fug.

ok wtf dreams.

Mon, 23 Apr 2007 19:23:27 GMT

I don't know if it was all the medication or whatever food poisoning nasty working its way out of my system, but I had the strangest night of dreams that I've had in a long time. It was the never-ending type, where in your dream you're having a dream about having a dream and then in your dream you wake up only to find that your dream self having another dream within that dream of having a dream. (Yeah, if you're confused, you've followed correctly.) Now, all the details are kind of quietly scattering away and fading off as I try to remember them, but I know it had something to do with meeting up to hang out with everyone I knew in some kind of blue outfit and a misunderstanding about time and place which led my dream-self to sleep through an entire Monday and miss my anatomy lab. Which is why I'm glad that it was all a dream because I'd be going ballistic right now otherwise.

Exactly two weeks of class left.

this hospital is an effing maze! (redox of 04/16/07)

Wed, 18 Apr 2007 06:24:03 GMT

On second thought, this is all I'm taking with me:

On a completely different note, despite all the freaking out I've been doing as of late, I'm feeling a lot more optimistic about the possible outcomes of this semester. I know it's going to be a lot of work (and I really have to bust my ass to make it), but I don't exactly feel the cold breath of imminent failure breathing down my neck anymore. Work. Study. Pray. Don't sleep. That shall be my life for the next three weeks or so, and that's fine. That's the price of my (hopefully) amazing future, I guess.

But honestly, you don't even know how much I wish I had the time to just sit down and take people in...to be able to feel completely connected to them, without any thoughts of school or what other responsible thing I have to do marring the moment, burning a hole in the back of my brain. Maybe that's what this summer will be for (?). I don't know, I don't know.

I'm sorry if this entry isn't as "deep" as the last, but it just wasn't in me to dig deep tonight.

wtf awesome-ness

Mon, 26 Mar 2007 19:02:31 GMT

Basically, I NEED this. Kaboodle-ing it would not express the urgency of my need.

spring break

Sat, 24 Mar 2007 04:56:57 GMT

It's here and I'm glad.

There are certain things that have been bothering me/on my mind lately, out of nowhere it seems like. I don't know, I'm trying to let things run their course and I'm trying to stop being so overanalytical about everything, but it's really hard. I'm a control freak, I've realized, and when an important aspect of my life isn't how I think it "should" be, I just go nuts and brood or blame myself or something equally ineffective in solving the problem, or do or say something rash that I regret afterwards. I'm working harder not to be this way, to open myself up to accepting that difficulties will always come into my life WITH the good, and to find a good balance between overreacting and being ridiculously passive and pretending that I don't care about something when I do. As I said before, I'll always be a work-in-progress.

But all internal stuff aside, I'm dead set on enjoying this break...because really, there's no good reason not to.
I won't stress myself out or think or worry too much about things that I shouldn't.
I won't waste a perfectly good day on doing nothing.
I will take this time for myself and take a break from being a boring, studious-when-she-has-to-be (which is pretty effing often!) Nursing student.
The best part?
I will be doing all of this with my family, my boyfriend, and all my other favorite people. :)

Okay, this looks like a good place to stop...I'm done.

yeah, because i NEVER get tired of free-falling

Mon, 19 Mar 2007 11:26:03 GMT

Why is it that the very moment you think you're safe, that life has calmed down for a second and is giving you some time to catch your breath, the bottom falls out and you're left scrabbling for solid ground again?

I know I have no choice, but fuuuuuck...sometimes I wonder if I'm strong enough for all of this shit.

hours slide and days go by

Tue, 13 Mar 2007 08:40:10 GMT

Despite the fact that midterms are coming up, I don't feel so overwhelmed (for the first time in a good while).

Spring Break in less than 2 weeks. :)

bright young things, full of promise

Sat, 10 Mar 2007 01:09:12 GMT

If things this semester work out the way I hope (and please pray that they do!), I'll only be in summer school for the first 6 weeks of summer vacation (Summer Session I). Then I'm free free free for about another two months, I think.

I really want to get away from here for a little while before the Fall semester starts up. Seriously. It's to the point where I'm kind of operating on an "anywhere but here" mindset. Because really, for someone who's young and curious and eager for life, my life's generally been pretty stagnant. And I know that it won't change if I just sit here and talk about it instead of actively doing something.

So, on the agenda for this summer:

1) Summer school (>.<)
2) Adventure!
3) Exploring!
4) Excitement!
4) Work (...damn necessary evil.)

What? Where? How? When? Who with?
I don't know yet.

(But maybe I'll try and make a visit to Max's little custard-colored casa in Washington?)

it takes 4.5 years to earn a life

Wed, 07 Mar 2007 10:37:42 GMT

I have to keep on reminding myself to be a patient girl.

It's been an eventful Tuesday. Another three and a half months have been tacked on to my life on this sheltered island, to be spent working towards a future where the only thing I'm completely certain of right now is that it won't be spent here. When I found out this morning, I almost felt like crying because I felt so trapped. Don't get me wrong...I love Hawaii, I really do. I mean, even with all my complaints about annoying mokes and the butchering of the English language, the fact is that it's home to everything I've ever known and loved.
My family's here. My best friends are here. It's all here.
But with that said, there's never been any doubt in my mind that the life I want for myself ultimately doesn't fit here. And honestly, I don't want it to.

I want to be overwhelmed by the newness of unfamiliar places, unfamiliar people, and unfamiliar situations. I want to be forced to really fend for myself without any help, without any coddling or special treatment just because I'm young/a girl/the daughter of overprotective Filipino parents. I want actual seasons and legitimate reasons for cold weather clothes. I want to be so full of life that I feel like it's going to spill out of me. And I know that I'll have that for myself soon enough, because it's my choice. But I've still got a lot of learning and growing to do before that time comes.

Island fever can definitely make me feel otherwise sometimes, but really, I don't need to rush.
There is so much good in my life that I don't have the right to complain.
Things will fall into place the way they're supposed to, when they're supposed to.

:\

Sun, 04 Mar 2007 05:33:14 GMT

Why do I make such amazing decisions?

not crazy, just talking to myself a little

Sat, 24 Feb 2007 05:51:54 GMT

Today has been the longest day, in the best sense.
It was just one of those days when the world around you seems muted and every single thought that runs through your head seems brighter, louder, and clearer, almost glaringly so.
Maybe it's the lack of meat/fries/Coke in my system. Withdrawal symptoms, maybe? ...yeah, I didn't think so either.

Whether fortunately or unfortunately, there were no great epiphanies (because I didn't realize anything that I didn't know before). Just the same old things, the same old places that my mind likes to wander to when I have a quiet moment—the current state/direction of my life, my relationships with people, how I feel about myself (it's less narcissistic than it sounds, I promise). When I get the chance to sit down with myself and tick off all the things on the list of what worries me consistently, I'm always surprised at how insecure I am. It's a strange, ambiguous insecurity that goes a little deeper than everyday vanity or the basic need for acceptance, and I can never get it to stay away for long. It's funny...in the past, whenever Alicia would talk about her insecurities, it was always something I could never begin to wrap my head around (because hello, it was prettier/more adventurous/more ambitious/more eloquent Alicia who shouldn't have any problems), but maybe I've understood her all along. If by insecurity she's referring to the perpetual quest for sureness and certainty to anchor down this unpredictable life, then I get it 100%. If not, what the heck...I still get you.

I mean, I'm happy with my life right now. It's not perfect and it's not likely that it ever will be, but when it comes down to it, I'm where I need to be at this point in time and I've got the what I need to be content in the here-and-now. But what gets me is that nothing is permanent and things can change at any given moment. The balance of today's happiness can be upset out of nowhere and become tomorrow's...I don't know what. There are so many factors—I could change, other people could change, circumstances could change—and I can't really control any of it, and my insecurity is basically in my inability to surrender to that. And I guess that's what makes it so difficult for me to put everything of myself into a lot of things, regardless of how willing I might be and all the wonderful things I might stand to gain, just because I'm scared of losing. But I recognize it. And I want to be fearless, I want to change it. And that's half the battle already, right?

If this sounds like a Debbie Downer post, let me assure you that it's not. It's just me laying out things out on the table for myself and writing out the tangle of words in my head that I would never be able to say out loud without getting all scatterbrained and distracted. Things just sound so much better in my head sometimes. I'm not using that as an excuse for why I'm not as open about heavier topics with certain people as I should be, but I'll be honest in saying that it definitely contributes to it. I've just always been better with the written word and I want what I want to say to come out the right way before I find myself on the receiving end of a blank stare. But I'm trying, I'm trying, I'm trying. Believe me, I'm trying.

But okay, I'm done with the introspectiveness.

Um...I rasterbated something the other day instead of studying for my first World Civilizations exam, which I killed anyway so ha. ha. ha.

I used this picture:

And came out with this on my wall:

Much prettier in-person, not that any of you guys ever come and visit me in my jail cell/smaller-than-a-dorm-room bedroom of mine anyway. And it matches the original picture, don't worry! (My MacBook just likes to play tricks on people and pretend there are ugly color changes and reverses images to confuse you.) And although it's the product of procrastination, I'm proud of it. So there.